When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Randomize
