I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
Randomize
