what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize