I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
