whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
