good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
