I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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