After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
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