Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Randomize
