I can feel you judging me through the phone.
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Randomize
