Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
