Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
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