Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Randomize
