Did you just see the Batmobile???
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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