Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
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