I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Randomize
