I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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