I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize
