My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
Randomize
