god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Randomize
