Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
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