He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
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