ally, we are sitting by a fire and you are totally hot. no pun intended
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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