so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
the crunchwrap supreme is the def leppard of the taco bell menu
which is why it's clearly superior
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
Randomize
