i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
His nipple licking is glorious
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