My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
