He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
