and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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