Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
