Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize