i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
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