You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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