I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
Define "chronic" masturbator.
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Hooked up with 8 guys, puked 4 times, got a few bruises, and my face is still numb... I think this visit has truly impacted my college decision
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
Randomize
