You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
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