she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
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