apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Randomize