best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Randomize
