I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
Randomize
