Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
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