Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
Randomize
