You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
