My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
I had to cum in my sink.
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