Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
what did gay clubs do before lady gaga
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
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