here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
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