someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
Randomize
