its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
Randomize
