I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
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