You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
Randomize
