You just made me feel so damn special
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
Randomize
