So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
