how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize