I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
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