My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
