she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
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