I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
