last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
