No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
Randomize
