Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
I just threw up on my dentist
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
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