Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
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