im drinking this country out of the recession.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
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