Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
