It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
Randomize
