At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
