The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Randomize
