It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
