I'd wear matching sweaters with you
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
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