Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
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