I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
Randomize
