I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
and technically it was a rebound
so lol
and then you got rebounded for the same girl he rebounded you for and still never scored ... it was like watching an LA Clippers game
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
