you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Randomize
