What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Randomize
