He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
